I met a friend for coffee recently. As we chatted about our lives and families, my friend shared some parenting frustrations. Eager to help, I suggested various techniques and strategies to help manage her unruly primary school children’s behaviour. We then shared a knowing sigh about how hard parenting can be sometimes!
This interaction led me to reflect on how people communicate more broadly and the natural human reflex to try to “fix” problems rather than sit alongside them and acknowledge their difficulty. Helpful suggestions are often welcome, of course, but the value of allowing someone’s experience to simply be, can be underestimated.
Over the past year, I have had more reason than usual to think about this. Following surgery, I have been navigating an uncertain recovery, which has given me a new perspective. Since my operation, I have noticed that for some people (even or especially those who are deeply compassionate and well-meaning) it can be difficult to accept that there is not always a positive side to a particular moment and that when a return to full health is not a foregone conclusion, uncertainty itself becomes part of daily life.
In response to someone’s discomfort, many of us instinctively reach for optimism. We talk about how things could be worse, or we lean on the familiar phrase, “at least…”. While these responses are usually motivated by kindness, they sometimes mean that we fail to acknowledge the person’s actual experience. The reality may be that someone feels frightened, frustrated, disappointed, or exhausted. They may not need a silver lining in that moment, but simply for their experience to be recognised.
This is why counselling is so powerful. As counsellors, one of the first things we are taught in training is to resist the urge to rescue. We learn that acknowledging and validating feelings are among our most effective tools, and yet when we step outside the therapy room, the societal structures and pressures we live within can make it easy, even natural to revert to trying to solve rather than sit alongside. We often find it difficult to sit with uncertainty and pain, not only with our own pain, but also, and sometimes even more so, with the suffering of those close to us.
The impact that physical health issues can have on someone’s mental health can be profound. It can create uncertainty of what the future holds, coupled with the loss of the person someone once was before illness or diagnosis, and this can feel overwhelming. I have worked with clients living with fibromyalgia and other ‘unseen’ conditions, which are among the most difficult to navigate because they are often poorly understood. People with these conditions are frequently offered a myriad of solutions, such as supplements, exercise, meditation, medication, and countless other suggestions. While these recommendations are usually well-intentioned, one of the most validating and helpful responses is simply to be present, to acknowledge how hard things are, recognise the sense of loss that may be involved, and help that person feel less alone.
This leaves me wondering what might change if, as a society, we became more accepting of discomfort and uncertainty. What if we were quicker to acknowledge and validate before attempting to problem-solve? Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can offer another person is not a solution, but the feeling that they have been truly heard.