By K. Jezzard- Puyraud
There are two sides to Christmas. There is the one that is full of warmth, fabulous presents and a roast with all the trimmings. Then there is the one with frosty in-laws, thoughtless gifts and someone locking themselves in the bathroom for a cry.
The Christmas you wish for and the Christmas you get are sometimes poles apart, but mindfulness can help in situations where you feel the stress and anxiety levels rising at festive family events. So, here is a light-hearted guide to help your mental health through this tricky season.
Stop the Spiral
Breath work is one of the key methods of mindfulness, which works to centre yourself and keep you in the present moment. One of the best ways to stop yourself from spiralling into anxiety are vagus breathing exercises. The vagus is an extraordinary nerve that runs through most of the major organs and operates your parasympathetic nervous system. When activated, it sends important signals to the body, including signals that can tell the brain to relax. The good news is that it is super easy to do that – just breathe out for longer than you breathe in. Yup, it is that simple. Scientists have found that by exhaling for a longer time, the vagus nerve gives the brain a message that says all is right with the world.
So, here is an easy-to-remember vagus breathing method called ‘The 4-4-6’ which can easily be done while hiding under the stairs from relatives and pretending you are looking for a tin of Quality Street.
- Breathe in through your nose for 4 beats.
- Hold the breath for 4 beats.
- Breathe out through your mouth for 6 beats or longer if possible. And when you exhale, breathe as if you are trying to breathe through a straw. (This helps to elongate the breath even further.)
- Repeat until you start to feel calm but stop if you feel light-headed and want to keel over.
Talk Yourself Calm
While you do your breathing exercises, you can also help yourself by using autogenic phrases. Autogenic phrases are soothing, calming words that you repeat over and over in your mind. You can do it out loud too but you run the risk of everyone thinking you’ve been hitting the sherry too hard.
The reason for the repetition is that our brains can be fickle organs that tend to believe anything they are told, so if you repeatedly say you feel calm, then your brain and your body follows suit. You can choose something direct and simple like ‘I feel relaxed’ or use something that means something special to you. I use “Everything’s ok. You’re ok” because that’s what my grandma used to tell me. For extra efficacy, say it in your mind at the same time as doing the long exhaling breath of a breathing exercise. Here’s an audio meditation on YouTube to give you an idea of how it can work by calming both the body and the mind. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S16fPYzLgns
Anchor Yourself
Being in the moment is an important part of mindfulness. Giving yourself the time and space to enjoy any of the little things that bring you comfort and pleasure and feeling grateful even for the tiniest moment is one way to ground yourself in the present. But you can also anchor yourself in the present moment in a physical way too, which helps to distract from difficult thoughts.
Anchoring techniques work by bringing mindful attention and awareness to your physical body in order to halt persistent cycles of mental stress. Here’s an effective method using a Chinese acupressure point (known to release tension and panic) which you can also couple with some deep breathing too. The great thing about this method is you can do this without anyone noticing – perfect when you are squashed up on the sofa next to a drunk relative singing Bing Crosby.
Locate the muscle just above the webbed bit between your thumb and first finger on the front of your hand. Take a big deep inhale through your nose and then as you exhale slowly through your mouth, gently press into the point using the thumb from your other hand. Switch hands and repeat.
Give up control
Mindfulness advocates letting go of anything that isn’t in your control, so if you’re spending Christmas with a ton of relatives then relinquishing any semblance of control over the situation is probably your only hope.
One of the definitions of mindfulness is “moment to moment non-judgemental awareness”. That means leaving the past behind, not worrying about the future, being hyper aware of what is happening in the present moment and not judging yourself or other people. Easier said than done, right?
We are all guilty of judgement at some point, especially when it comes to being critical of ourselves (hello all you perfectionists out there!) and Christmas is also a key time for old grudges amongst friends and family to resurface. One way to avoid this is to start getting our heads around the concept of accepting that we have no real way of changing how people treat us or what they say to us. All of that is totally outside of our control. Trying to change or control someone is an incredibly stressful in itself. So, one way to take out the stress, is to give up trying to wrestle control of the situation. Don’t try to change the person, stop trying to change the way they think about anything, or their opinions of you. You have no control.
The comedian Simon Amstell said he got on much better with his parents once he realised, he needed to stop expecting them to be any different from the last time he saw them. Although people can be capable of change, it’s unrealistic to think that your judgemental and narrow-minded uncle is going to show up on Boxing Day and be the understanding / woke person you would love them to be. And trying to anticipate people’s reactions to things (such as treating others as you hope to be treated) doesn’t always work either. In trying to anticipate their every whim and hoping that your efforts will be rewarded, you will just set yourself up to fail.
Let go of trying to control the way a visit or encounter goes, let go of trying to people-please or trying to head off any danger at the pass. Delegate, allow others to make decisions about how the day goes, let them take responsibility. See what happens when you say “I’m happy to do whatever.” Relinquish some of that control.
Because the only thing we really have any control over in our life is our own thoughts. So instead have a go at flipping the situation by saying: “How can I change the way I think about this person? How can I change the way I think about this day?” Never forget you have a choice in these matters. No one can make us feel something. We can choose to be irritated, disappointed, or stressed. Or we can choose say: Nah. Not today thanks. I’ve got a Blankety Blank Christmas Special to enjoy over a shedload of mince pies. Merry mindful Christmas everyone….
