It’s a pleasure to be asked to write a blog for Westmeria. I’d like to use this opportunity to talk about self-compassion. It’s something that changed my life. It certainly changed how I talk to myself and how I experience myself, and has brought me to a much easier, happier place. I’m certain that I would not have been able to train to become a counsellor without it.
Several years ago, and in therapy myself, I was very anxious and felt worn down by my continuous, circling thoughts and worries. My insightful counsellor introduced me to the work of Dr Kristen Neff, an American psychologist, based at the University of Texas at Austin, who first pioneered research into the benefits of practising self-compassion in 2003. Twenty years plus and over 5000 studies later, self-compassion is widely recognised and has been shown to lower stress and anxiety, improve mood, self-acceptance and resilience, increase motivation and, so importantly for caregivers, reduce emotional burn-out.
It has been transformational for me. I realised that for decades I spoke to myself with an incredibly harsh inner voice. My days were filled with an inner commentary telling myself I was stupid, a failure and always at fault. I judged and criticized myself with a cruelty I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Learning some simple self-compassion techniques – short meditations, grounding exercises and ways to soften the inner critic – brought about quick and, importantly, lasting change. I began to talk to myself the way I would relate to a good friend, finding a gentle inner voice to encourage and comfort, rather than criticise. What a difference! My resilience grew as I realised for the first time that I could look inwards for loving support, rather than always needing reassurance from those around me. I learned to listen to, trust and take comfort from myself.
Self-compassion encourages us to be mindful; to slow down and recognise with kindness those times when we are struggling. To gently say, “this is hard.” In moments of distress, it’s easy to feel alone, separated from others by our difficult experiences. Self-compassion recognises that suffering is part of being human. We all struggle. It is what connects us. And with this understanding of common humanity, this sense of connectedness, we can turn inwards and gently ask ourselves what we need most right now. And then give us that comfort, reassurance, rest, cup of tea, whatever we need…exactly as if we were looking after a good friend. It’s a very simple practice, but extremely powerful.
To find out more about self-compassion, have a look at Kristen Neff’s website (self-compassion.org), her TED talks and her work with fellow psychologist Chris Germer (chrisgermer.com). Both websites have free links to excellent short self-compassion ‘breaks’ that can be listened to at any point during your day.
